My Journey to Fatherhood

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You want to be a father.  Sounds easy right? Nothing in life is easy, and if it were, I don’t know if I would appreciate it as much as I do. This has been a crazy journey, and I know the best is yet to come. This is my story; it may not be fun, it may not be the most upbeat, it may be the happiest story you’ve read, I don’t know. I’ll fill you in on the how, why, what, where and when and I’ll be honest about it. Tell me to produce a tv show from initial development to completion, sure in my sleep. But ask me what HCG levels are or how to put a newborn to bed, and your guess is as good as mine. I’m learning along the way. Today I learned that my surrogates HCG levels went up by 124% in 48 hours. (That’s a good thing!) But step by step, I will learn to be the best father I can be.

 

 

I don’t even know where to begin. When people say lost for words, I never truly understood it until now. Friday, April 19, 2018, I get up hungover (yes I’m not proud of it!), and make my morning coffee, I hop on Facebook to play my mindless games. As the years go by I find myself wasting a lot of time on meaningless things, an hour playing “Go Crash Saga” Which is one of the many reasons I wanted to become a father.

Why did I want to become a father? I’ve always lived my life doing what I loved. I traveled the world, working and falling in love in many countries. I flew where I wanted, stayed in the best hotels ate in at the homes of Michelin Star Chefs. I’ve made films and tv shows, sold them worldwide. I’ve think I have lived. I’m pretty happy with what I’ve accomplished. But at the end of the day, I would lay in bed knowing with all my heart that there was something more to this world. More than making money, getting high, 18-hour flights and weekends in Dubai.

A family. A child.

A lot of my gay friends don’t understand this need I have to be a father. My best friend, Jeff says, I’m a great ga-uncle, but that’s it! He enjoy’s the freedom of not having a child, the disposable income, the locking the door behind you and going to PV in February with nothing but a speedo. I don’t know, I feel I am ready for fatherhood, I’m ready to have a weekend at home watching my baby crawl for the first time. It’s the next natural step. Right?

I know that it’s not going to be easy. I know that I will make mistakes. I know there will be times when I’ll ask myself what the hell was I thinking! But I also know that I will be the best dad that I can be, and no matter what I will protect and love this child more than I can even begin to express. I will watch him/her grow, laugh, fall, make mistakes, and I will be there, every step of the way.

I’m looking forward to caring for someone, making breakfast, ballet, soccer, baby swimming. Night time routines; bath time, bottle time, story time, cuddle time, falling asleep on my chest knowing that everything will be okay…

Email notification – “LabResults_Ms_T……….”.

Puzzled and entirely not thinking about the last painful year of my life I opened it.

“First test results. Positive. Congrats.”

Five words that completing changed my life forever.

I can’t really describe what I felt and still feel. It’s a feeling I’ve never had before. Needless to say, I was instantly sober, my headache disappeared and all the life problems that I’m sure we all have, just vanished. How can anything be a problem when you know that on the other side of the world, in the little Muslim sea village of Mombasa a part of me is growing. A little small embryo, now the size of a sesame seed, will soon be in my arms. My life is no longer about working 18 hours a day, on trying to build my career, on making as much money as I can, on being stressed about more and more and more.

Stop.

Breath.

Holy Shit! I’m going to be a DAD!!!


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