I don’t even know where to begin. When people say they are lost for words, I never truly understood it until now. On Friday, April 19, 2018, I woke up hungover (yes, I’m not proud of it!) and made my morning coffee. I hopped on Facebook to play my mindless games. As the years have gone by, I’ve found myself wasting a lot of time on meaningless things like spending an hour playing “Go Crash Saga,” which is one of the many reasons I wanted to become a father.
Why did I want to become a father? I’ve always lived my life doing what I loved. I travelled the world, worked and fell in love in many countries. I flew where I wanted, stayed in the best hotels, ate in the homes of Michelin Star Chefs, and made films and TV shows that I sold worldwide. I have lived a fulfilling life, and I’m pretty happy with what I’ve accomplished. But at the end of the day, I lay in bed, knowing with all my heart that there was something more to life than what I had. More than making money, getting high, 18-hour flights, and weekends in Dubai.
A family. A child.
Many of my gay friends don’t understand this need I have to be a father. My best friend, Jeff, says that I’m a great ga-uncle, but that’s it! He enjoys the freedom of not having a child, the disposable income, and being able to lock the door behind him and go to PV in February with nothing but a speedo. I don’t know, I feel that I’m ready for fatherhood. I’m ready to have a weekend at home watching my baby crawl for the first time. It’s the next natural step, right?
I know that it’s not going to be easy. I know that I will make mistakes. I know there will be times when I’ll ask myself what the hell was I thinking! But I also know that I will be the best dad that I can be, and no matter what, I will protect and love this child more than I can even begin to express. I will watch him/her grow, laugh, fall, make mistakes, and I will be there every step of the way.
I’m looking forward to caring for someone, making breakfast, watching ballet, playing soccer, and going baby swimming. Nighttime routines of bath time, bottle time, storytime, cuddle time, falling asleep on my chest, knowing that everything will be okay.
Then, an email notification – “LabResults_Ms_T……….”
Puzzled and entirely not thinking about the last painful year of my life, I opened it.
“First test results. Positive. Congrats.”
Five words that completely changed my life forever.
I can’t really describe what I felt and still feel. It’s a feeling I’ve never had before. Needless to say, I was instantly sober. My headache disappeared, and all the life problems that I’m sure we all have just vanished. How can anything be a problem when you know that on the other side of the world, in the little Muslim sea village of Mombasa, a part of me is growing? A little small embryo, now the size of a sesame seed, will soon be in my arms. My life is no longer about working 18 hours a day, trying to build my career, making as much money as I can, or being stressed about more and more and more.
Stop.
Breathe.
Holy Shit! I’m going to be a DAD!!!
